Roadside
The
engine rumbled as Danny rolled the throttle and worked the gears of his Harley
through the twisting canyons. He had taken this route many times before and he
knew each curve and line that flowed through the jagged granite walls. His
bike’s power band was in the driving torque of 3rd gear and as he
throttled out of each turn he slipped it effortlessly into 4th gear
as he screamed black streaks towards nowhere in particular.
The
destination never mattered to Danny; the road was a place where he could free
himself from the burdens of life, marriage, work and everything in between. Its
subtle mysteries called to him and he was drawn to it as easily as migrating
birds are drawn south to escape the harsh northern winters. Another sharp curve
quickly materialized from the hazy road and Danny lightly squeezed the front
brake lever and his foot gently pushed down on the rear brake as he pulled the clutch
in and downshifted back into 3rd. He found his line and focused on his
path through the turn as cleanly as an experienced sniper threads the deadly
needle of mortality. Danny swung the bike out wide and swiftly dipped into the
curve, rolling on the throttle hard. The bike dove down and fit itself into the
sharp lines of the curve, sticking to the rolling asphalt below. He shot out of
the curve at a smooth 60mph and instantly shifted back up and brought the bike
to a clean 75mph hum.
The
last curve was always the best. It was the surprise ending you called halfway
through the flick but just couldn’t quite pinpoint just how impressive it would
be. His bike rolled along towards home. Taking him back to reality, back to his
problems and, later today, back with a final solution.
There’s
a hairpin turn on the bottom end of the summit that has a beautifully deadly
view. Like the siren song from mythology, the view pulls unsuspecting travelers
in, promising a glimpse into heaven and lures the ill fated travelers to their
death. He knew that curve all too well. He had flirted with its shapely allure
many times and had ridden away safely almost every time. In what seemed another
lifetime ago, he had jockeyed his powerful sport bike around these same canyon
roads and was caught gazing, mouth agape, at the spectacular view a little too
long and carrying too much speed. He laid the bike down and it slid off over
the guardrail down to its final resting place 300 feet below, a crumpled mess
of plastic, metal and fluids. Danny limped away that day but not before adding
3 broken ribs and a fractured tibia to his medical blueprint of youthful vigor
and poor decisions.
Who
could have known that twenty years later that same turn would offer Danny and
his family salvation? It had been calling him every ride past, every vista
point stop and he always rode quickly away, never looking back to see what enticement
would be offered that day. Today; however, his mind entered that curve with
clarity of purpose and a conviction that had been missing from his life for a
long time now. Yes, the bike was his first love and the open road held fond
memories of good times past, where he explored his life, love and adventure one
click of the odometer at a time but reality melted away the haze nostalgia
provides that newfound clarity was difficult to accept.
There is no
substitute for a life steeped in experience, and Danny had lived his free from
regret and (for the most part) independent of responsibility. It wasn’t until
she came into his life that things began to change and he found himself in a
standoff with reality. Women have the uncanny capacity to bring about such a
profound transformation in a man that he, at times, is unrecognizable.
Relationships need the opportunity to grow and foster, finding true love is
rare and finding a lifetime companion is even more elusive. She was both and,
for a while, Danny had it all.
As he burned
down the highway, Danny was transplanted to a chance meeting in a bar. He was out
one night at a local bar in Monterey, California. Monterey is beautiful, scenic
and full of vibrancy and life. It is 65 degrees almost every day and you can
set your watch by the morning fog burning off to reveal another beautifully
sunny mid afternoon. There’s a reason why people flock from all over the world
to visit this area. To Danny, this was home. The spectacular views that left
cash infused tourists slack jawed and awestruck were part of his daily routine.
He thundered down Highway 1 and the world sped by with Danny comfortable tucked
into the slipstream of his existence. He loved looping down to Carmel and over
to the pass for another dangerous run deep into the valley.
Getting away
from the pungent salt air and drawing down deep into the valley roads not
readily known by the eager Midwestern tourists who plunge their blindingly
white toes into the frigid ocean waters was an escape for him. Tight corners,
poorly paved roads and the wonderful heat of midsummer, where the coastal
breeze gets forgotten by the dry burn of the valley in Northern California, was
the fuel for his existence. It was easy to disappear into the valley, with the
rumble of the engine his throaty soundtrack to another day’s entertainment and
escape.
Then, she came
into his life. Young, wild and smart; a Pennsylvania girl enjoying the single
freedom provided by the United States Army’s most sought after duty station.
The Army found its home in Northern California during WWII, when the high beach
dunes and powerful surf were a welcome training ground for the harsh coastal
landings to be found on distant foreign shores. Ft. Ord had since closed and
was now a state university campus but the Army still had a lesser shard of land
tucked away on a small hillside area in Monterey.
That was why she
was here and the reason why Danny’s whole life was destined to change. They met
in that bar on a random Thursday night. Thursday was always a great night to be
in a bar, the young and inhibited find a home in the $2 drink specials and
dimly lit dance floor providing a chance for a hedonistic good time, if only
for a night. He was out with some
friends and trying his best to ignore the annoying drunk girl bitching about some ex boyfriend who was
grinding on the dance floor with another girl and trying to take Danny (or
anyone by that time) home in desperation. The drunken girl was an aggravating and
he wanted nothing to do with her sloppy despair. Sure it’s always a good time
getting naked and sticky with a girl who has silenced her inhibitions or trying
to make someone else jealous, but other nights a couple beers and a shot or two
are a much better prospect.
She was having
her own troubles, putting up that big fuck off vibe that all girls seem to
instinctively know how to do. Arms folded with her face smeared with the
thousand yard stare while leaning in a secluded corner took some smart
navigation on her part. Any potential suitor looking for a good time needed to
plot his route carefully to find a good entry point. Women don’t seem to understand that this vibe
does not really work on the male brain, especially when he’s had a few drinks
and is looking to get laid. She was doing her best to ignore every unfitting
suitor when a friend of Danny’s came over to her.
“Hey, what’s up?”
J asked her, chiseling through her facade. He had nothing to lose; he was just
trying to help out a buddy. Plus, J had a knack of making girls comfortable
enough to shed their reticence. “You see my buddy over there; you should go
over and ask him to dance.”
“I don’t know. .
.” she weakly protested. The night was boring her and maybe a distraction was
what she needed to get her out from under the cloud plaguing her night. She looked
over at Danny, tattooed, in shape and California handsome and decided it might
be worth the effort. She walked up to him and introduced herself.
“Hi, I’m
Veronica, do you want to dance?” She asked with a slight optimistic smile on
her face.
“No. . .I don’t
really dance but you can have a seat if you want.” He found her attractive but
too self conscious about his perceived lack of dancing abilities to get out on
the floor. He was an alright dancer, in fact, he was good at almost everything
he tried but it’s hard to push past the barrier of insecurity.
“You sure you don’t want to dance?” She said a
little indignant this time. She wasn’t used to having men tell her no and this
was both perturbing and intriguing at the same time.
“Nah. . .I’m
good. I’m not really much of a dancer. My buddy Bear over there absolutely
loves to dance. I’m Danny by the way; it’s nice to meet you.” He remembered
feeling a slight flicker of energy when he touched her hand but it didn’t
really register with him until much later. Memories have a funny way of
embedding themselves somewhere deep into our subconscious, surfacing at their
own leisure. The vibrations felt through his bike’s throttle pushed that memory
into his consciousness.
Asshole, she
thought to herself. Doesn’t this stupid jackass know a gift horse when it
stares him in the mouth?
He was
definitely attracted to her; there was something about her that he just
couldn’t place. There are women who men find attractive simply because of their
overt sex appeal. These are the women who grace the adolescent wet dreams
floating down from the posters tacked on the bedroom walls in there parent’s
houses. Unfortunately, there is a lot of insecurity in the superficially
pleasing façade and, many times, a lot of bullshit that comes with dating a
girl like this.
Danny’s ex
girlfriend was this type of girl, super hot (when she was younger at least, the
years had not been kind since) and her early 20’s were the apex of her
attractiveness. She was one of those stereotypical party girls and an absolute
pain in the ass. She didn’t do anything that did not have a direct benefit for
her and Danny’s friends hated this girl . . . with a passion. His ex was loud,
rude, and obnoxious and they knew that she was a double shot of high grade
poison that Danny had drunk eagerly. Flowing red hair, lean body and big tits
she knew help power over Danny and many other men. She didn’t own a shirt that
didn’t look like it was stolen from the neighbor’s children and she liked the
attention it brought to her. She was always looking for a better deal and they
knew that she did not love Danny; she loved the image he portrayed. Eventually,
she became bored, then boring and (after a trying couple years of cohabitation)
they finally decided to go their separate ways. Good thing for Danny because
this girl could push his buttons like no other and he was eternally moments
away from typing “all work and no play” while sharpening his axe for a
leisurely winter stroll into death’s pine tree maze.
Veronica was
different. She was the complete opposite of other girls that he typically found
himself attracted to. Normally, he found himself consumed by the superficial.
He was constantly wading in the shallow waters and Veronica was deep end. She
was the area of the symbolic pool that Danny always feared. He felt that if he
slid into the water and allowed himself to be submerged, he would never
resurface. Veronica was cool, independent and confident; the type of girl Danny
always said that he wanted in his life but (in all honesty) felt he somehow
didn’t deserve.
Veronica spent
the night dancing with Bear and the rest of Danny’s friends, while taking
breaks to come back to where he had sequestered himself to talk. He watched her
move easily with such confidence and class. For the first time that he could
remember, he was finding himself attracted to a woman’s personality. Veronica
was funny, smart and cool; basically everything that the girls he had dated
before were not and he was finding those qualities more attractive than any
combination of tan skin and tight clothing that he previously desired.
During these
dance breaks, Veronica always came back to talk with Danny. They spent the
evening simply talking with each other and he could tell they both were feeling
a connection. Her smile told Danny that she was interested in more than a casual
smoke while leaning against the rough brick walls; her smile drove itself deep
into the pit of his stomach and embedded itself there for eternity. He really
enjoyed talking with her. It was the first time in a long time that he had
found himself genuinely interested in learning more about another person. At
the end of the night, Danny’s friend J got Veronica’s number and gave it to
Danny.
“Here man . . .
I got her number for you since I know you probably wouldn’t do it,” said J.
“Thanks brother,
I appreciate the help” Danny nervously laughed trying to mask the obvious
relief that cascaded over his countenance and poured down his body. It was
obvious that Danny wanted to get her number but lacked the courage to ask.
“Dude,” teased
J, “you have no game. You know this, right? You’re going to owe me big time,
amigo. I won’t always be there to grab the chicks for you,” he said with a smile
on his face.
For a good
looking guy, Danny definitely had his troubles with the ladies. He was an
introvert by nature and a bit of a wallflower to boot. He was quiet and had an
intensity about him that could be off-putting to some people. Some girls are
into the whole mysterious loner guy, something James Dean had brought to the
attention of every Sally good girl and Suzy plain panties who secretly wanted
to be ridden by that dangerous, quiet, bad boy type that Danny personified.
However, these girls were few and far between, especially for women in their
early 20’s. The motorcycle helped a little but Danny didn’t even realize the
power he had to take a girl home any night he wanted when he was younger. It
wasn’t until he was a little older that he realized how many nights he missed a
chance for an easy night of no strings attached sex. None of those missed
encounters mattered to Danny when he fell in love with Veronica, he felt the strength
in her love for him and he greedily drank that in, assuming an endless supply.
The
V-Twin engine of Danny’s Harley barked echoes off the fading walls of the
highway as he pulled back into civilization. He pulled into a gas station and
stopped at one of the pumps. It’s easy to get lost in a good ride, fused with
the machine, pushing steadily down each twist and turn. Danny got off the bike
and felt the stiffness for the first time that day. His mind had been lost in
nostalgia, remembering a simpler time when he and Veronica lived for each
other. Those days called to him now in a way that brought pain and anxiety. A
pain that dwarfed any joint stiffness or post ride saddle burn that would diminish
with a quick stretch and possibly a cold beer. This pain was a reminder that
it’s impossible to tick away every trouble as easily as the miles disappear in
the wind. Every time Danny discounted the emotional needs of his wife, the pain
was silently building up until, eventually, it spilled over like a bath left
unattended. The road held less and less of the answer as the problems of real
life: money, marriage, children, compounded themselves into need for space. He
had his space, every twist of the throttle allowed him an escape, or at least
it used to. Veronica did not have that release, Danny was her escape and he had
made that a priority less and less over the past few years. She needed him and
he simply wasn’t there.
His
memories rushed in and out with every pull of a lever, every shift of the gears
and each time his bike surged forward so did the recollection of their life together. She would be sitting on the couch or sitting
on the bed focused on her laptop, wrapped tightly in the bondage of
concentration he felt energy surge through his whole body as he looked at her. She
never told him that she would catch his look fixed upon her it made her feel wanted.
The connection that tends to fade as dating turns to marriage never actually
faded for Danny. Veronica had grown more beautiful every day over their 10
years together. Being an introvert, Danny never expressed that to her. He knew
how he felt and how profound those feelings were but he neglected to share
these feelings with her. As a result, she felt them growing apart and had begun
to feel isolated and alone.
Complacency
is an evil that is a silent killer. People don’t even recognize its presence,
mutely inflicting insurmountable damage without remorse or empathy. Veronica
had sat across from Danny and wept, hard and long, telling him how much she
needed him to be there and to be present with her. He was blind to her pain and
plugged along with the carefree arrogance that only a free spirit can possess.
Life didn’t get to Danny very often, shrugging off some of the more tragic
moments with a perceived indifference that made others think of him as distant
and cold. His father had distanced himself from Danny after his mother’s death
because he felt Danny was indifferent to the family’s loss. Even many of his
friends had checked out and continued on with their own lives over the years.
Those sobs ricocheted from end to end inside his skull doing damage with every
hit. He could feel the icy movement of despair climb inside his body and leap
from place to place, imprisoning his optimism and locking it away behind a
fortification of despair.
This
lethargy wasn’t working for Veronica and she had decided to leave Danny and
move on with her life. It wasn’t until this time that Danny finally realized
the gravity of his indifference and knew that life would not be the same. She
didn’t feel like she wanted him back, even though she had loved him for years.
They had amassed an insurmountable mountain of debt and Veronica felt there was
no way they would be able to escape. She was being suffocated by her own
reality and she desperately needed to move on with the next part of her life, which
she didn’t feel included Danny. She knew that their lives couldn’t continue on
the way it had been for the past few years and she felt that her only course of
action was to take their two boys, pick up go.
It
was in this low state of reality that Danny knew what he had to do. He decided
that it was time to be the provider that she had begged him to be. The
realization of his fate slapped him like a bitter cold winter’s wind. His
spirits lifted because he had not felt such a depth of purpose and clarity in a
very long time. He knew that curve had
been waiting for him; waiting patiently for the day that he would need its
strength and finality. That day when Danny earlier pushed the limits of his
bike past that curve, its song was finally realized. The requiem called out in
an epiphany and the tune hummed deep vibrations in the shrewdness of his
thoughts. Danny was worth $750,000 to his family dead and he was prepared to
lift the financial and personal burden they were suffering because of his choices.
His face twisted into a sincere smile for the first time in months as he walked
back to his bike.
Danny’s
Harley screamed down the winding road, steering him towards his fate. He pushed
the bike harder through each turn than he had in years. He channeled his former
self, confident in his abilities and with a purpose that bonded man with
machine. The roar of the engine and the howl of the wind faded off as he
plunged deeper and deeper into his thoughts. The road was a snake, each coil
bringing about new memories of love and heartache that Danny had to see one
last time.
It
was after J’s wedding; he and Veronica were sitting out on his front porch
smoking and talking. They had just finished making love, and both were
energized in that subdued fatigue that only lover’s understand. They were
tired, yet wide awake. Awake to each other, in tune with their energy fueled on
by the silence of the early morning. She had looked so beautiful in her red
dress and, though they were there to celebrate with his friends, she was the
only person he could concentrate on that day. Danny looked at her and they both
knew what needed to be said. They stared at each other intently, like two shy
teenagers awkwardly waiting for their first kiss.
“I
know you want to say it” she said to him, her eyes focused on Danny with
intensity. He didn’t feel pressure or guilt, he wanted to tell her. It was like
taking a breath after being underwater for a long time. He clawed to the
surface, and inhaled deeply the start of his positively altered future.
“I
love you” he said.
The
wind spat in Danny’s face and he was shocked back to reality. He pulled in the
clutch and downshifted into 3rd gear, finding the perfect line
through the long right hand curve. He leaned deep and his muscles relaxed as he
pushed the bike through the turn and slipped it back into 4th gear.
Another long, sweeping right hand curve drifted gently into a slight left. The
left hand curve smoothly transitioned into a long half mile straightaway. He
slammed the throttle wide open and the bike swiftly surged past 100mph.
“I
love you” Veronica said to him. She leaned in and pressed her silky lips
against his and he knew that his life had changed forever. At that moment, they
realized that their lives as individuals were over and was rapidly being
replaced with something more complete.
Danny
had never been as happy as he was on that day, lost in that moment. True love
has a way of tattooing itself in your memories and shaping all future experiences.
Thinking about that kiss as he dove hard into another tight left / right
switchback, he felt his resolve strengthen. Others might reflect upon this
memory and feel the need to retreat, to make an effort to reconcile past
mistakes and learn to live with the consequences of their actions. Not Danny,
his resolve to end his life surged through him as explosively as the fuel being
pulled through the intake of his 96 cubic inch v-twin motor.
He
thrust the bike forward into another curve, and burst out the other side in a
streak of chrome and black that punched the canyon walls with fury. Each mile
was torn free from the road by the furious grind of Danny’s Harley. He surged
towards the curve like an animal chasing down his prey. The muffled cries of
the road could be heard from miles away as Danny pounded his bike towards his
destiny. Fate pulled him closer to the edge with every curve, every twist of
the throttle, every melted rubber fiber left clinging to the road like a child
clutching its mother’s hand on a crowded street. He knew it was getting closer;
it was almost his time to solidify his family’s future security.
“Hi
mom, how are you doing?” Veronica had called to talk with her mom; she needed a
familiar voice.
“Hi
honey, I’m well. How are you doing?” Her mom asked, she could tell that
Veronica had been crying.
“I’m
doing ok,” she said in a broken voice. “The
boys are outside playing and I just needed someone to talk to.”
“You
know you can always talk to me, sweetie. What’s going on?” Veronica’s mother
asked with concern. She loved Danny but knew that her Daughter came first. “Are you hanging in there?”
“Yeah.
. .I’m thinking about giving Danny another chance.” She hadn’t said this out
loud before and she was almost trying it out to see if it still left a bitter
taste on her lips as it had when it was mentioned in the past. Part of her that
knew this was what she needed to do, even though there would be a lot of time
needed to heal. Wounds are easy to inflict and take a lifetime to heal; Veronica
loved Danny and knew that their connection should not be ignored as much it
would be easier to do at this point. She trusted that he would do the right
thing and once again find the man she loved.
Danny
plunged closer to his fate, riding now purely on instinct. These last few dips
and curves were his favorite part of the ride and he had spent so many years
mastering their subtle nuances. This was where other people could not keep up
with him as he raced towards the scenic overlook. His muscles strained as they
threw the bike from one corner to the next, gaining speed as each curve melted
into the next.
“That’s
great news honey” her mother said. “We love Danny and I always hoped that the
two of you could find a way to work things out. I’ve never seen anyone make you
as happy as he has.”
“Or as miserable
mom. You know how stressful these past couple years have been. When the
business went under, Danny just kind of faded away. You know what I mean? He
just stopped being there.”
“Marriages are
not easy honey. God knows that your dad and I have had our share. I don’t even
like the old bastard half as much as I know you love Danny,” Veronica’s mom
said with a chuckle.
“Ha ha ha, I
know mom. I don’t know what’s going to happen or if I can ever get over my resentment
but I think I want to try.”
Danny drifted
closer to the scenic overlook and the curve called out to him. It was his
salvation and knowing that his family would be provided for eclipsed any
feelings of loss. He knew his family would be emotionally crippled by this but
he understood that the financial security he would be providing was something
that would benefit them for a lifetime. Love won’t pay a mortgage or keep the
collection agencies from taking everything you’ve worked for. Veronica was a good
mom and a strong, beautiful woman. She would raise the boys right.
The scenic view
was breathtaking. He had spent so many years of his life and so many miles
trying to avoid its beauty. Today, it called to him and he curled his wrist
downward, opening up the throttle wide. He gently slipped the bike into 5th
gear and all his senses went numb except for his sense of sight. The beauty of
that view, the mountains slowly melting into the expanse of the Pacific Ocean,
burned itself into his mind. He stopped thinking about anything, Veronica, the
boys, money, work, friends, it all faded away into the panorama that stretched
out before him. The speedometer on his bike read 120mph and he didn’t have time
to notice the guardrail hurtling towards him, ready to take his life. The view was
mesmerizing and its beautiful siren song flooded his head with its toxic
invitation. The vista charged at him, fate pulling him into his next reality.
Closer it sped at him, opening up before him like a beautiful flower in a time
lapsed video as the sun caresses it’s petals and entices it to open. He felt
the warmth of the sun settle on his cheeks and he saw her beautiful face smile upon
him one last time as he floated off into oblivion.
